Eles dizem que a violência nunca resolveu nada, mas depois de abrir meu laptop e bater na porta USB sem sentido enquanto gritava: "Trabalhe, sua coisa estúpida!", esse milagre aconteceu:
Mar 8 20:48:56 Deltique kernel: [ 712.368555] usb 3-2: new full-speed USB device number 62 using xhci_hcd
Mar 8 20:48:56 Deltique kernel: [ 712.498967] usb 3-2: New USB device found, idVendor=062a, idProduct=4101
Mar 8 20:48:56 Deltique kernel: [ 712.498972] usb 3-2: New USB device strings: Mfr=1, Product=2, SerialNumber=0
Mar 8 20:48:56 Deltique kernel: [ 712.498974] usb 3-2: Product: 2.4G Keyboard Mouse
Mar 8 20:48:56 Deltique kernel: [ 712.498976] usb 3-2: Manufacturer: MOSART Semi.
Mar 8 20:48:56 Deltique kernel: [ 712.499161] usb 3-2: ep 0x81 - rounding interval to 64 microframes, ep desc says 80 microframes
Mar 8 20:48:56 Deltique kernel: [ 712.500538] input: MOSART Semi. 2.4G Keyboard Mouse as /devices/pci0000:00/0000:00:14.0/usb3/3-2/3-2:1.0/0003:062A:4101.000F/input/input25
Mar 8 20:48:56 Deltique kernel: [ 712.500728] hid-generic 0003:062A:4101.000F: input,hidraw0: USB HID v1.10 Keyboard [MOSART Semi. 2.4G Keyboard Mouse] on usb-0000:00:14.0-2/input0
Mar 8 20:48:56 Deltique kernel: [ 712.502617] input: MOSART Semi. 2.4G Keyboard Mouse as /devices/pci0000:00/0000:00:14.0/usb3/3-2/3-2:1.1/0003:062A:4101.0010/input/input26
Mar 8 20:48:56 Deltique kernel: [ 712.502908] hid-generic 0003:062A:4101.0010: input,hiddev0,hidraw1: USB HID v1.10 Mouse [MOSART Semi. 2.4G Keyboard Mouse] on usb-0000:00:14.0-2/input1
Mar 8 20:48:56 Deltique mtp-probe: checking bus 3, device 62: "/sys/devices/pci0000:00/0000:00:14.0/usb3/3-2"
Mar 8 20:48:56 Deltique mtp-probe: bus: 3, device: 62 was not an MTP device
Com toda a seriedade, a razão pela qual o mouse não era utilizável era um problema de hardware com a porta USB. A causa é desconhecida, mas eu provavelmente tropecei em um dispositivo USB que estava conectado a essa porta no passado.